An Interview with…Mr. Stauffer (Part One)

Victoria Chiu, Editor
Featuring Phteven Tian (with a PH)

An interview in which we talk to Mr. Stauffer, a.k.a. Stauff Stuff. We spend gratuitous amounts of time talking about what to do with an injured knee, why he thinks DQ Blizzards of the Month are disgusting, and spray tans. Be forewarned: this is probably one of the most random interviews you will ever read. It will also be one of the longest, and as such will be broken into several parts and presented in multiple installments.

VICTORIA CHIU: So, how much time do you have? Five minutes, ten minutes…?

MR. STAUFFER: Eh, as much time as you want, although I will warn you I’m in a horrible mood. (Laughs)

STEVEN TIAN: First question! How’s your knee?

Heh…ironically, the doctor says the one thing I wasn’t doing I should have been doing. I’m usually so bad with sports injuries. I’ll get sports injuries and I’m at, like, the epitome of guys who will aggravate and re-aggravate and then it goes back into—

Steven: I nearly got my left leg amputated two years ago.

What?! Why?!

Steven: This thing on my leg used be huge. Right to the bone marrow.

Yeah, once you get to the bone marrow, you’re screwed. That’s what happened to my dad. He got a cut on his pinky toe, and it was in the bone. It got infected, and whooooop! All the way through his entire body. The dude almost died. He was in the hospital for three months.

Steven: I’m glad I kept my leg!

Anyway, so what the doctor said is you need to be using your knee more. I was so good resting it, elevating it, all that stuff—

Steven: You got a pillow for it!

—he’s like, “That’s why it’s not healing.” (Raucous laughter) So during the first week, I was doing the right thing with the resting and elevation and all that, right? That was when it was really bad and my leg was swollen. Apparently after that I should’ve just been exercising to get the fluid to reabsorb, so I was doing the exact opposite thing to what I should’ve been doing.

Steven: Well…it’s ironic. Hadn’t you been spending quite a bit of time in the fitness room during that period?

Well yeah, but I didn’t do anything with my legs.

Steven: I find it ironic that the solution was literally two feet away the entire time. 

Shaddup, Steven…(leans back and smashes his head on the board behind him) AGH!

(Raucous laughter from the peanut gallery) ST: We’re bad people. For laughing.

Okay, so do I get to see the questions or…?

Victoria: It’s…like…topics. People were telling me to ask about certain things, like “Have you ever had a near-death experience?” or “Cats!” or “Protein powder!” Etcetera. 

Well, let’s see here…what do you wanna talk about? Life with Stauffer? Anecdotes by Stauffer? Stuff with Stauff? Stauff Stuff? What would you wanna hear about?

Victoria: Well, we have a bunch of stuff…near-death experiences, cats, protein powder, what was MAC like when you were in high school,  what were you like when you were in high school, do you miss O’Leary, funniest teaching experience, and do you like donuts. 

Steven: I’m just here to add in random stuff.

Victoria: He’s my facilitator. 

Okay, let’s do this! Do I like donuts…EVERYONE LOVES DONUTS! That said, they’re completely void of nutritional value. They’re actually one of the foods that have borderline no nutritional value. But—

Steven: ‘Murica!

—but in terms of ‘Murica! In terms of donuts, though, the walnut crunch. That’s my favourite. It’s like the epitome of old lady donuts. (Snickering from the peanut gallery.) IT’S SO TRUE! Like what young kid orders a walnut crunch? 

Victoria: Nobody.

NOBODY! It’s like I might as well be sitting here eating ribbon candy! Right? Like that’s all fused together. Is this recorded?

Victoria: Yup. 

Okay, cool. So you’re just gonna sit there recording me rant.

Victoria: Yup. 

Have I ever had a near-death experience? Oh man, have I had a couple. I’m just trying to think of how well this will translate into a written story. (Looks to Steven) You’ve heard my near-death experience, right? The one where I almost choked and died in a restaurant?

Steven: Oh, yeah! That. Yup.

Absolutely hilarious. Haha…do I like kitties? Yes, they’re cute. (Shows picture of his cat) RAHHH she looks evil ’cause she looks like she has no eyes. She’s looking into your soul.

(Pause as we all stare thoughtfully at the photo.)

Steven: Hm.

Anyway. Moving on. So, near-death experiences. I had one—I’ve had a couple, actually. My personal favourite was when I was out at this French restaurant—I won’t name it, but I will say that you should never go there because it tried to kill me! Anyway, it’s supposed to be fine French cuisine. The steal tartar there had way too much mustard in it for my liking and the duck confit? Too salty. It’s a huge problem with duck confit. They over-salt it too much.

Victoria: I’ve never had this.

Steven: I’ve never had it but I’ve had every alternative known to man, so.

It’s kind of like…you know when they hang the duck in the window? Yeah. Imagine they put a lot more salt on it and put it in orange instead of barbecue sauce.

Victoria: Can’t imagine how that’d taste.

Eh, it’s not that good. Not a huge fan of duck confit. But I do like the duck/pig in the Asian dishes. You know the lunch boxes? I love those!

Steven: We’re Asian, we’ve had all these things.

Yeah, I know. You know it’s true, though!

Steven: It’s pretty funny how if you speak Chinese, you can ask for the better meat!

I KNOW! But I don’t know how to speak Chinese!

Steven: You can do it in English, too! You can ask for it!

Nooo! It’s not the same. It’s like when you go to a Chinese restaurant and there’s the secret Asian food menu.

Steven: I love those. I love those!

(There is a natural break here as Stauffer answers a math question posed by a student.)

– END OF PART ONE –

The second part will be posted within the next week. If you want to read more about Mr. Stauffer’s opinions on CheeseQuake Blizzards, his experience with Miami Vice style, and perennial eggnog reviews, check in for the next installment of the interview!

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