An Interview with…Mr. Stauffer (Part Two)

Victoria Chiu, Editor
Steven Tian, Contributor
Featuring interjections by Sasha Ye and Mary Landro, along with a short visit from Mrs. Settle

More DQ! More fun stuff! More things that people don’t expect to discuss in an impromptu interview! Click here for part one of the interview if you haven’t already read it.

NOTE: Read ’til the end. You won’t regret it.

MR. STAUFFER: Only old people like walnut crunches. Just like only old people like Dairy Queen burgers! I have a sentimental attachment to Dairy Queen burgers.

Real life childhood story with Stauff: when I was a kid, when we’d go over to my grandma’s house, me and my mom and my grandma would always walk to the Dairy Queen that was by our house (recently torn down) (does a Hunger Games three-finger salute). But we’d always walk there and then we’d get Dairy Queen burgers and I’d always get the Dairy Queen Meal, and it came with the coin. I dunno if they still do this, but it came with the coin, and then you could use the coin for a free sundae.

VICTORIA CHIU: I dunno if that’s a thing anymore.

STEVEN TIAN: There are six-dollar meals that include the sundae now!

They include the sundae, but they used to give you this plastic but silver-looking coin and then you’d take it and you’d use that and you’d turn it in for your free sundae. My favourite sundae is hot fudge, FYI. The other thing that I’ve learned—and this is the best thing you can get at Dairy Queen, it blows your mind—get a Peanut Buster Parfait with no peanuts, but with Oreo instead.

Steven: Hey, Victoria, I think you should try that! Don’t worry, I’ll have 911 on speed-dial just in case. (Editor’s note: I’m allergic to peanuts. Also: full disclosure, Steven was joking.)

Oh, man, but it’s SO GOOD! ‘Cause instead of those really bad peanuts that nobody likes, you get Oreo cookie crumble in it! It’s almost like you’re eating an ice cream cake. Not quite, but almost.

MARY LANDRO: Secret menu.

SECRET MENU! Yes. Hashtag secret menu. Y’know, my favourite Blizzard flavour used to be Smarties until Smarties changed the flavour right as soon  as they went away from artificial flavours. Well, you guys never knew this? Smarties used to be my favourite candy, way back when, but have you ever looked at Smarties and seen how…non…bright they are? They’re dark now. When I was a kid, Smarties had super, super vibrant colours. They were like borderline neon coloured.

Steven: Glow-in-the-dark.

Haha! Not quite glow-in-the-dark, but almost! The blue Smartie was, like, mind-blowing. As a kid, seeing the blue Smartie was like, “WHAAAAAAT? BLUE?! YOU CAN’T HAVE BLUE IN SMARTIES. BLUE IS A CANDY FLAVOUR, NOT A CHOCOLATE FLAVOUR!” So they introduced the blue Smarties and I loved  Smarties as a kid, probably up until I was about, y’know, nineteen or twenty. That was when I started to get back into shape. I’ll show you guys my fat photo. (Shows photo)

SASHA YE: Looks like it’s from the 1920’s.

I AM OLD, but I am NOT THAT OLD.

Victoria: When did you graduate?

’98.

Sasha: Did Ms. Rault teach you?

No.

(Long silence)

Wow, that got awkward fast. I digress, though. So, when they had the vibrant colours—now, I hadn’t had Smarties for years because I got into shape, so obviously you eat less chocolate and also as you get older, you lose the sweet tooth. You get more of the bitter-y tooth. Which probably explains the black licorice. Anyway, what happened was that Smarties switched from artificial flavouring to all-natural flavouring. And once they did that, the brightness went down. When I first opened a box of these new Smarties, I actually thought that the Smarties had gone bad because I tasted them and they tasted different—although obviously we remember tastes differently because as you get older you forget the way things taste and you romanticize them—but they tasted different and they looked different so I thought I had these Smarties that went bad. So I kept on buying boxes from all these different places and I was like, “Why are they all bad?!” until I read that they now use all-natural flavouring or natural colouring or whatever it is, and I swear it’s altered the taste to the point that I don’t like Smarties anymore!

Going back to the Blizzard thing, I used to love Smartie Blizzards. Like, Smartie Blizzards were the be all and end all of “if I’m having a cheat day, it is a Smartie Blizzard cheat day.” I loved Smartie Blizzards. And I also went through this period when the Smarties were switching over where I’d keep on trying the Blizzard of the Month. FYI, fun fact, NEVER try the Blizzard of the Month. It is NEVER good. There is one exception and that exception is the Kit Kat Blizzard, but outside of that the Blizzard of the Month has never been good. Like CheeseQuakes. What the HECK is a CheeseQuake? Oh my god, they’re like these Blizzards and it’s like cheesecake mixed with Blizzard, and y’know, it’s like WHY DON’T I JUST DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET? Seriously!

Mary: The Christmas ones are good!

No. NO! NOOO!

Mary: Yeah! They’re good!

Steven: The Peppermint is pretty good!

Mary: The Pumpkin Pie ones are nasty, though.

ALL OF THEM ARE NASTY!! That’s the reason they only last a month! ‘Cause people try them and then they realize that THIS IS DISGUSTING!! And then they rotate through them again! So you forget! And you’re like, “oh my god CheeseQuakes are back I gotta try one!” And then all of a sudden you try one and you’re like “WHAT WAS I THINKING?!” It’s like every year: eggnog. Me and eggnog. Every single year on Christmas I’m like, “ahmagad eggnog!” so I’ll drink an entire litre of eggnog on my own and I’ll hate it after ’cause then I remember that I don’t really like eggnog.

Wait, wait…(searches something on his computer)  See? “Pumpkin Pie à la Mode” is the Blizzard of the Month. How can you say that’s good? I like pumpkin pie, just not in a Blizzard! That’s why Kit Kat is the only good Blizzard of the Month I’ve had. They did the Midnight Truffle once—ugh, it was DISGUSTING. It tasted like you were eating cocoa powder! Why would I put pumpkin pie on ice cream? Pumpkin pie is a whipping cream at most desserts. You will never get to the level of putting frozen cream on pumpkin pie! It doesn’t juxtapose properly! It is a flavour contradiction! Like, absolutely, 100%. (Turns to Mrs. Settle, who enters the room)  Would you put ice cream on pumpkin pie?

MRS. SETTLE: You know what? I probably would. 

REALLY?!

MRS. SETTLE: Just because I don’t really like pumpkin pie. I’d put the ice cream on to mask it, you know?

How does ice cream mask it if you’re just going to spread it around?! It’s like having something spicy and then just drinking water. You’re just spreading the flavour around!

MRS. SETTLE: Ice cream’s always good! 

(Mrs. Settle departs and Steven recounts an elaborate story that involves spray tans and Thanksgiving that can only be partially heard over the record.)

You know, it’s funny you mention spray tans. I got a spray tan once.

EVERYONE COLLECTIVELY: WHAT?! When?! Wait, how old were you?

It was actually recently.

Steven: Oh, come on!

Now, before you guys attack me on this, I tell you why I got the spray tan. It was for grad one year. My friend and I that I used to work at O’Leary with wanted to go Miami Vice style, so we bought white suits. And what goes better with a white suit than a tan? Now my problem is that I’m so horribly pale and white—and I actually have gone through [a spray tan before]. Before I went to Europe, I thought “okay, I need to get a base tan” because I burn so easily. Like, white-red-white.

Victoria: Like the Canadian flag!

There you go, I’m a walking Canadian flag! Anyway, what happened was that I went to this tanning salon, and I was talking to the guy and he said to me, “Look, I’ll be honest with you. I could take your money,  but the reality is that  you’re part of the percent of the population that simply won’t tan. You can get a little bit darker, but it really is nothing.” So I didn’t do any base tanning or anything like that, went to Europe. But back to the spray tan. So we decided that to wear our white suits and look awesome in them, we needed to tan as well. Therein comes the inherent problem that I can’t tan. We thought, “Well, should we try to get spray tans?” And it just so happened that we had a student that worked at a spray tanning salon—the perfect storm! Five dollar spray tans, HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG? So we got the spray tans—have you ever had a spray tan? It is the weirdest thing in the world. You basically take off your clothes and stand in a box. And there’s this thing that says “Stand this way!” and you have to pose a certain way and then it says “Do a turn!” and there’s numbers in places and it’s almost like a car wash. It sprays you with this stuff and then you have to cover your hair and whatnot. And then you have to leave it on, and the longer you leave it on the darker you get. So I left it on for two hours longer than the longest time you’re supposed to leave it on for, ’cause I was like, “I am gonna be AS TAN AS POSSIBLE!” I even got, like, the “Jamaican Mist” setting or something. Like, the darkest colour you could get. So I got this spray tan and the first day, I legitimately looked like I was tan. But my skin can’t even hold onto a bloody spray tan! So I think it took around two days and the spray tan was gone. Adding to that, it leaked into so much of my clothing because it was a decent spray tan, but I see remnants of it everywhere. So then we tried to use self tanners!

Well, if at first you don’t succeed. Grad day, we still looked boss.

(We then proceeded to vote back our favourite Blizzards and determined that it takes about an hour to use up all 100 allowable votes on the DQ website per day.)

– END OF EVERYTHING –

An extremely long interview at 35 minutes, but totally worth it. Check Macsource for other staff and student interviews, along with school news and events and what’s going on at the school. Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s